rrrepeat : connecting stories

child sexual abuse: a true story

 by brianna

i’d like to introduce you to brianna’s story. she was molested and abused since a very young age. i hope her courage will inspire you to raise awareness around the subject. if you missed timeless wheel’s story, you can read it here.

here is my story…

there have been multiple accounts of sexual assault in my life. i remember them all clearly. they seemed to happen at different points in my life, but as i get older, i realize that they all kind of met and commingled at certain points in time.

when i was young, 6 or 7, my twin sister and i met a friend from up the road in our neighborhood. she lived with her single mom and her much older male cousin. she was always teaching us new “games” her cousin had showed her either in person or on his television. i think she was sexually assaulted as well, but none of us knew what that was at that age. she would put us all in her closet, one of us would be the lookout to make sure her mom didn’t come in, and the other two would play games. either her and i, or her and my sister, sometimes my sister and i. her “games” were oral sex and making out. but we didn’t know that.

she was always telling us how she had played this game with her cousin and how he was always showing her how to do it and doing it to her so she knew what it was supposed to feel like. things got to where my sister and i would play “games” at our house. well, one night, my mom caught us playing together. she cried and asked what we were doing and where we had learned to do that. we told her about how our friend had taught it to us and it was just a game we all played. things never went any further than that for us with my mom, but we knew we were in trouble and that was the last time we ever played “games” and we never got to play with her again. neither of us has ever spoken about it again because now we both know what it was that happened between us. we’re almost 25 and still suffering from the embarrassment of it all. the games ended when we were probably 7 or 8. about a year after they started, and it was about that time when my own cousin started to sexually abuse me.

he was a year younger than me, but he apparently got to watch whatever he wanted on his television because he knew a lot more about intimate matters than i did, despite the “games” i had been taught. i remember him always touching me in awkward places. places that were covered by a swim suit and had no business being touched by anyone. since i was already embarrassed from the “games” and my mom making such a huge deal about it, i told him to stop and not touch me anymore ever. he didn’t listen.

one day when we were all playing together. my sister, my cousin and i, he said we would play cops and robbers or something similar. he told me i would be the damsel in distress and he would save me. well we had switched games and were playing hide and seek. he “hid” with me in a closet and then proceeded to lock the door so it couldn’t be opened from the outside. even though he was younger than me he was pretty close to my size if not larger than me. i couldn’t get around him and i couldn’t get away from him.

he pinned me to the wall and molested me. he was grabbing at my clothes. pulling my shirt off and trying to unbutton my pants. he was trying to rape me. i screamed. and screamed. i couldn’t get out and the next thing i know my mom is banging on the door telling him to open it while i am crying in the corner trying to find a shoe to hit him with. she finally gets the door open and then she starts yelling. it took me a long time to realize she was only yelling because she was afraid. my cousin lived with my grandparents when he was younger due to his mom being an alcoholic and his dad being on drugs. my mom told them about it and they just said that he was expressing himself. they defended him.. my mom told them he was not allowed to be at our home anymore. it caused a big problem for a little while and my grandparents blamed me. i wasn’t spoken to or given gifts for several years because of it.

another cousin, this one a year older than me, also molested me when i was about 9 or 10. (i have to admit, at this point in time, i was so confused. i didn’t know what was making me a good target, but it was clear that something was obviously inviting these boys to touch me inappropriately and something else that made them want to hurt me.)

it happened a few times over the course of a few years, thankfully we didn’t see him very much and there weren’t more opportunities. one that sticks out very clearly in my mind, we were out exploring the field behind my house like all kids do, he wouldn’t walk out in front of us, my sisters and i, which was weird. you’d think that a boy, especially an older boy, would want to go first. but he didn’t. then I realized why.

he kept casually touching my butt. at first, i thought it was an accident. he didn’t seem to be looking at it or me when it happened. just one of those things where he was walking close and his hands were swinging. then it turned into pinches. which hurt. they were on purpose. he was intentionally assaulting me at this point. when my sisters got a little farther ahead and i tried to catch up, he full hand grabbed me. i was 10(ish). there wasn’t even anything to grab, but he was going for it anyways.

that year at christmas, all of the kids were playing hide and seek. i was hiding in my older cousins room, he was well into his teenage years by this time, much older than i was so he was out with his parents and the other adults. i was wiggling underneath his bed when my cousin walked in. he grabbed me by the butt and pulled me out from my hiding spot and in doing so my shirt got caught on the carpet and was pulled up. he immediately grabbed my chest before i could get my head out from under the bed. he started squeezing me and groaning. i tried to get out as quick as i could. he pinned me to the floor. i wiggled my shirt back down and he just looked at me.

then he pointed to a poster on my cousins wall, it was a sports illustrated swim suit edition poster. my cousin told me he wanted me to take my clothes off to look like her. i told him i didn’t look like her, i wasn’t old enough for a bra (what i thought the swim suit top was), and that i didn’t want too. he kept telling me i was beautiful and he just wanted to see me. he was pulling at my clothes again. ignoring me and my protests. thankfully the door opened and the “it” person from the hide and seek game tagged him. that was the end of that. he ended up being shipped off to a military school for children with discipline problems, but even after he came back i was never comfortable around him. i worry now for his children. he drinks way too much, has more kids than he knows what to do with and doesn’t deserve to be around them. i know he says he likes “full-figured” girls (what man doesn’t?), but i was young and even now am not even close to being full-figured. he likes all girls. i worry about that but no one would believe me or do anything about it now.

fast forward to high school. at the tender age of 15 i had my first boyfriend. he was meaner than a snake and abusive. he was all about applying pressure to get what he wanted. especially if it was a sexual favor. he said since he was the only one interested in me, and the only one who would want to go out with someone like me, i owed it to him to give him oral sex. he pressured for sex, but at 15, i was terrified. what a HUGE step. i told him i wasn’t ready. he said if i didn’t tell him when we were having sex he was leaving. i told him i didn’t know. he left. i can still remember the bruises from where he would pinch me when i wasn’t behaving as he thought i should. i wasn’t allowed to see my friends. i wasn’t allowed to talk to boys. i had to tell him where i was, who i was with at all times.. if i was busy, he made me pay for it. usually by forcing me to be sexual for him. he would take photographs of me in compromising positions. he would put me into those positions to try to exploit me. after he left i stayed single until after i graduated. partially due to putting on some weight, partially due to just now knowing how to navigate the high school dating system.

my first serious boyfriend was in college. we were in a long distance relationship. he lived and went to school almost 3 hours from where i was in school at. i tried to see him as often as i could. i would drive almost every other weekend to see him. and it was always me going to see him, not him coming to see me. another abusive relationship. again, i was left to wonder what was wrong with me, how i invited this kind of man, this kind of attention. i had stayed a virgin all throughout high school. i wasn’t trying to start an intimate relationship with someone i hadn’t been involved with for very long. but one weekend while i was down there, he just.. did it. and that was the end of that chapter of my life. he told me afterwards that nothing happened. i was fine. i shouldn’t complain. at least someone wanted me. etc. our “relationship” continued for 18 months. over that period, anytime i saw him, i was expected to not be on my period, but taking precautions with birth control because he refused to wear condoms, i was to be his sex slave essentially. the entire weekends we saw each other were devoted to his sexual satisfaction. i was held there by his verbal and emotional abuse, as well as the mental abuse that made me feel like i wasn’t worth anything and deserved even less. finally that relationship ended. i stayed single for almost a year before briefly dating again, then retreating back into my single-hood while i was finishing school.

i struggled with self-harm, i struggle with depression, i have anxiety and panic anxiety disorder, i have obsessive-compulsive tendencies, i struggle with interpersonal relationships, i get overwhelmed and shut down. sexual abuse and sexual assault have made a huge impact on my life. am i getting stronger? yes, every day. but it doesn’t get any easier. it’s a battle every day. you fight the same demons. over and over. the questions never go anywhere. and you never get any answers.

either you enjoy metal or not, check out saphyre rain. they are doing an awesome job on raising awareness on taboo subjects like this one. i love their music, their passion and how they use their work to help people. that’s amazing! they have my support. <3

if you want to support brianna and/or rrrepeat, please like, comment and share. these small actions can make a huge difference. <3

be magic,

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